I am not an early bird. I do not rise up singing at dawn, nor am I motivated by a bounty of worms. I find it excruciatingly difficult to get out of bed in the morning. To spin an annoying cliché, I hit the ground limping.

Perhaps this correlates with my lackadaisical birthright as an afternoon child born at 4pm. Maybe the explanation rests in genetics. During my last annual physical, the results of my blood panel fell within the precursory range indicative of rheumatoid arthritis, and an MRI scan revealed dedicated patches of osteoarthritis in my right foot, left ankle, and outer right knee.

Big surprise. I was born with weak arches and bad foot alignment. Despite a lifetime procession of various orthopedic shoes and orthotic inserts, the strain of supporting my body weight on inwardly-rolling feet combined with a propensity for athleticism (mid-to-long distance running in my twenties and thirties, BodyCombat from 2013 to present) eventually led my ankle, knee, and toes to unify in mutiny.

Z-Coil was established in New Mexico in 1995 and built a dedicated following among people with foot, joint and back issues. With their visually distinctive style, the shoes gradually found their way into various media incarnations: Diane Sawyer velcroed up and happy-danced her way through a Good Morning America segment. Helena Bonham-Carter showed off a pair while casually traipsing about town. Most recently, runway models sported crystal-bedazzled versions at designer Christopher Kane's Fall 2018 show during London's Fashion Week.

Z-Coil shoes are standalone brilliant; celebrity sightings and crystal bedazzlements (while somewhat illuminating) are underwhelming by comparison. Since discovering them three years ago, my collection has grown to include multiple pairs that range in style from athletic, office-appropriate, and casual.

The stabilized footbeds support my arches and heels and never pinch or crowd my toes. This is especially beneficial feature to me because I fractured the second and third toes of my left foot several years ago. They healed at a slightly protrusive angle, and I experience pain and friction while wearing most shoes, including those marketed as "orthopedic" or "comfort-forward" by popular retail chains. The springing action of the coiled heels evenly distributes the weight of my gait - effectively absorbing the shock of even the most unyieldingly hard surfaces and relieving my knees from the pain of impact. In short, victory is mine.

There is, however, a caveat to the benefit of pain-free walking: I constantly turn heads in public and spur commentary. People stop me on the street, at the grocery store, in elevators, etc., to interrogate me about my unorthodox choice of footwear. While I occasionally elicit the sympathetic questions of gracious individuals wanting to share their own struggles with back and knee pain, I'm most often met by the aporetic staring of those who assume I've fallen victim to wannabe-hipster fashion. "Are those comfortable?" they challenge in judgment.

Whenever this happens I pause, inhale sharply, channel the reproof of my inner Violet Crawley and crisply respond, "They're designed for pain relief." Then I gloat in the knowledge that my orthopedic kicks have officially passed for wannabe-hipster fashion.

Victory is mine. Again.

“Who, me? I’m just sitting here shellin'."

Chitosan is a bit of a wallflower, so this is the response you'll likely get if you spot it at a party and approach in salutation. Not to worry, though. A touch of genius lurks behind its social awkwardness and self-effacing humor.

COMPOSITION — Chitosan is made from the ground up, discarded waste shells of crustaceans and sold in capsule or bulk powder form. It is most commonly marketed as a weight loss supplement. It comes with a bit of baggage, but then again, don’t we all? Despite its challenges, I believe it has the potential to stake a future claim among the unsung heroes of the medical, pharmaceutical, and personal care industries.

CHALLENGES — Chitosan is a headstrong and independent substance that neither breaks down easily nor plays well with others. It can be solubilized with laboratory access and a solution of acetic acid.

I've had partial success with using a mortar and pestle to further grind the powder, adding baking powder or tartaric acid, folding the mixture into a glass saucepan containing a bit of water, slowly heating the mixture on the stove while stirring consistently, and giving the mixture a final once-over with a stick blender.

The process didn't yield a perfectly smooth result but the overall uniformity and aesthetic quality was vastly improved. I've also simply emptied the contents of a capsule into a bit of water and mashed it with a spoon in all of its lumpy, globular glory: a hideous sight to behold but useable just the same.

ORAL HYGIENE — I’m obsessed with the feeling of glassy smooth teeth and approach routine dental checkups with a fervor generally reserved for black tie events. I leave my ball gown at home, but I enjoy engaging my dentist in a spirited, (mostly) civil challenge aimed at finding plaque on my teeth. I like it when he tells me, “Your teeth are so pristine, I really don’t have anything to clean.”

I brush, irrigate, and floss (both out of nervousness and for entertainment purposes) regularly. I also experiment with ingredients to augment my cleansing game. Chitosan is an integral part of the following periodic adjunct to routine brushing and flossing:

Swish your mouth out with oil (aka “oil pulling”). This loosens adhering food buildup on teeth. I generally use coconut or grapeseed. Sometimes I add a touch of castor oil and essential oils of peppermint, cinnamon, or myrrh.
Mix bentonite clay with a small amount of apple cider and make a paste. Brush your teeth with the paste and floss while the mixture is in your mouth. I use the vinegar as a reactive agent for the clay; it does not harm my teeth. Plaque rinses away easily and the enamel of my teeth is left feeling slippery slick.
Brush with toothpaste to polish the teeth. I use fluoride-free toothpaste because it makes the water feel “softer” and removes plaque more effectively in my experience. Using fluoride-free toothpaste is my own personal preference and not a attack against the use of fluoride; should you decide to adopt this routine for your personal use, joyfully use what you will in good health.
Empty approximately ¼ of the contents of a chitosan capsule onto your toothbrush or directly into your mouth. Add a bit of water, brush and spit. This will “seal” in the slippery, deep-clean feel.

MEDICAL & PHARMACEUTICAL USES — Chitosan polymeric properties are useful in pharmaceutical, wound and skin care. Multiple research studies document its use in oral and transdermal drug delivery, and in caring for burns and wounds.

SKIN CARE — Chitosan creates a "film" that supports the structure of the skin and makes it feel firmer. It works well as a final step to seal in the actives in serums and moisturizers.

HAIR CARE — When added to conditioner, chitosan effectively fills in the hair shaft and binds in moisture.

*bonus* BEER AND WINE — Chitosan is used as a clarifying agent when making beer and wine.

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CHITOSAN